


In The Belly Of The Beast

by Owlmemaybe



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, F/F, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-03 07:32:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 19,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14564091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owlmemaybe/pseuds/Owlmemaybe
Summary: After Mount Weather, Clarke disappeared.When Roan fails to find her, Lexa decides to search for Wanheda herself. She discovers that the young woman is lost in more ways than one.And that she had a secret.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a short story that has been running around in my head for a while. It is fully written, and i intend to update every other day as i slowly proof-read for typos and mistakes. The chapters are short, so it should happen quickly.  
> Everything is mostly canon until the end of season 2, with only a few adaptations explained along the way. Elements of season 3 are used, but the story does not follow it.  
> Most chapters are divided between first Clarke's and then Lexa's POV. The point of view also mark a difference in the timeline (as you will soon realize), but will match up eventually.  
> Enjoy!

Clarke took in the trees, relishing her first breath of pure, unfiltered air.

 

Earth. She was on Earth.

 

Sure, she wished Wells had not felt the need to come with her, but right now she just wanted to savor the moment. She had thought she would be executed a month from now. She was alive. She had thought Earth would forever remain a dream, a hope she saw everyday but would never reach. She was on the ground.

 

Thoughts of Wells naturally led to thoughts of her father. She smiled sadly. He would have loved it here, she knew. He used to watch documentaries about wildlife with her. He taught her how to read maps, how to recognize many plants and animals from the Old World.

 

Animals.

 

She caressed the watch that had been moved to her left wrist while she was unconscious. She did not need to take it off to know what had been roughly engraved in the bracelet almost a century ago.

 

 _Do not resist your Call_.

 

She shook her head to get rid of the thoughts. She had always loved the story as a girl, even believed it. A bedtime story invented by her father's grandmother. The same woman who had engraved the watch.

 

She knew her father had never believed the story. She doubted her grandfather had either.

 

They still made sure the watch and its warning words would be passed on to the next generation.

 

 

*********

 

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, exhausted from the constant worry about the Coalition. And about Clarke.

 

It had already been three months since the young leader of Skaikru had defeated the Mountain, and completely disappeared.

 

There was a tentative alliance between Trikru and Skaikru – meaning they tolerated seeing one another without the encounter turning into a bloodshed, and occasionally traded goods. But the other clans were divided about the Sky People. Those that were far away from Arkadia did not really care about the new arrivals, some even mentioned a vague interest in their goods and knowledge of medicine. The others, however, pushed for an assault on the perceived threat. After all, they had thoroughly defeated the Mountain in weeks, when it had threatened the Clans for decades.

 

Which was why she really wished Roan had found Clarke.

 

A delegation of the Sky people was scheduled to arrive in the afternoon, to discuss a more formal and lasting alliance. Lexa wanted to make Skaikru the Thirteenth Clan of the Coalition, to ensure lasting peace and, selfishly, to make up for abandoning them at the Mountain.

 

She did not regret that decision. She had saved her people, as was her duty as _Heda_. And she had never intended to leave the Mountain unpunished for its crimes against her people. Blood must have blood, after all. She had wanted to take care of her injured warriors, learn more about the _Maunon_ from them, and attack as soon as she had crafted a new plan. The dam was already destroyed, she had a few of those tone generators Clarke's mechanic friend had made… In her mind, the Mountain's defeat had been a matter of days – weeks at the most.

 

How could she have guessed that Clarke would find a way to destroy it completely in a few hours?

 

Perhaps she should have, she internally berated herself. The girl had always been smart and quick on her feet when dealing with dangerous situations. Often with an appalling lack of care for her own safety, like when they had faced that gorilla Pauna. She had easily spotted places to hide, and used Lexa's sword to trap the beast. But never once had she seemed overly worried for her own life. She had been more worried about Lexa.

 

She shook her head. It was not the only time she had noticed something strange with Clarke. Compared with the rest of her people, the blonde was surprisingly agile and in tune with the forest. The only other Skaikru that behaved so was Octavia, and she had been tutored by Lincoln almost since her landing. Clarke had not had such guidance – as far as she knew.

 

She remembered Anya's first reports about the young Skaikru. She had mentioned that one of the _goufa_ _s_ had managed to evade her scouts and roam the forest for hours without them finding her again. At first, she had thought the girl was Octavia, likely helped by Lincoln. But after speaking with the girl, she had realized that it had been Clarke. Octavia had mentioned that the blonde had sometimes claimed a need for solitude and left the camp for hours, usually coming back with a skinned rabbit or some other game.

 

Lexa was almost embarrassed that she had not figured it out sooner. If she had, she might be better at this game of hide and seek the blonde seemed intent to keep playing. Roan was one of the best trackers in the Coalition, and he had not found a single trail.

 

She had hoped to find Clarke, talk with her, perhaps even apologize. She had never meant her abandonment at the Mountain to be definitive, but Clarke had no way to know that. And she knew the delay would have likely cost the life of several of Clarke's companions. But it had been the best option at the time.

 

Now, her power was being questioned, and she knew Skaikru would not be accepted easily with only her words. She needed Clarke, who was still the perceived leader even if she had disappeared, to represent her people. And she needed Wanheda to bow before Heda to force the other clans to respect her peace.

 

Moreover, she knew Abby Griffin, Clarke's mother, was part of the delegation arriving soon. And the woman had disapproved of Lexa since the bombing of TonDC – and probably before that as well. She had hoped that delivering the woman her daughter – preferably unharmed – would soothe the relationship with the Chancellor.

 

No such luck.

 

Lexa really hoped Clarke was safe, and that her prolonged disappearance had nothing to do with the Ice Queen. She could not go through that again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the chapters are short, here is chapter two.

They were looking for Jasper.

 

Discovering that there were other people on the ground had been a shock. That the proof of it had been a spear in the boy's chest had been terrifying.

 

Still, his scream and the disappearance of his body meant that there was hope. Clarke would not give up until she found him.

 

And find him they did. Tied to a tree, above a trap she nearly fell in.

 

As Murphy and Finn climbed to untie him, a feeling made her turn around and stare at the bushes. Just as she was about to dismiss the strange feeling, the panther jumped towards them.

 

Bellamy immediately reached for his gun, but it was Wells who shot.

 

And missed.

 

The panther, startled by the sound and the impact in front of its paw, stopped. With a snarl, it ran back to the bushes.

 

They cautiously walked back to the camp, carrying an unconscious Jasper and convinced feline eyes were watching them.

 

 

********

 

Lexa dismissed everyone from her Throne Room, only asking Abby to stay. Titus threw her a disapproving glance which she ignored.

 

''Commander?'' The woman asked in a clipped tone.

 

Lexa tried to assume a more relaxed stance.

 

'' _Abi kom Skaikru_. I wanted to tell you that I have sent several scouts in search of your daughter. Unfortunately, none have been able to find her thus far.'' She hesitated. ''I have not heard reports if her in _Azgeda_ either, which I believe we should take as a sign that she was equally effective in evading the queen's fortune hunters.''

 

The woman sighed, visibly irritated. ''You do not need to tell me that, Commander. I know no one will catch Clarke unless she wants them to.''

 

''Clarke is not familiar enough with the forest to evade her pursuers forever. And she is needed by her people.'' Lexa warned, harsher than she had intended to.

 

Abby's anger had been expected, yes. But more than that, she had thought the mother would be worried about her daughter wandering in the wilderness. Her eyes narrowed. She knew things had been tensed between Clarke and her mother, partly because of Clarke's position as leader. She had always known that there was more than that, but had refused to pry.

 

But she had learned enough about the Sky people from Clarke and, later, Octavia to know that they were sometimes even harsher than her own people. As a leader, she understood the hard choices made to preserve resources, but she did not approve of how easily they had torn families apart over minor offenses.

 

''Do you not care about your daughter?'' She asked in a hard voice.

 

Abby's eyes flashed.

 

''Don't you dare accuse me of this! It is your actions that caused her to run away, not mine.''

 

''And you seem to content yourself with the situation, instead of searching for her. I hear that you never once sent a team to try and locate her. The only ones who did search for her were her friends.'' Lexa nearly growled at the woman, glad to finally have someone to bestow all her frustration and anger on.

 

Abby's face was still angry, without a hint of the guilt Lexa almost hoped would appear.

 

''I told you, no one will find her unless she decides to be found.''

 

''Clarke is smart, but she cannot remain hidden forever. _Azgeda_ will find her eventually unless we find her first.'' She repeated.

 

The older woman glared at her. ''It is quite presumptuous of you to assume that you know my daughter's abilities so well. You have barely known her a couple of weeks.''

 

Lexa forced herself not to show how much those words had stung. Yes, her acquaintance with Clarke had been short, but it had felt no less meaningful. The suggestion that Clarke had hidden something from her all along hurt.

 

''Regardless, it is Clarke's destiny to be a leader. She cannot run from this, and we will need her sooner rather than later.'' She insisted.

 

A twisted, angry smirk played on Abby's lips. ''Oh, you certainly helped her find her calling.''

 

Lexa suppressed the urge to scream at the woman.

 

''Do you know where she is?'' She asked tiredly.

 

''Somewhere in the forest, most likely.''

 

''Helpful.'' Lexa commented sarcastically. ''Have you seen her?''

 

For the first time, Abby's face betrayed her sadness as she hesitated. ''… Yes.''

 

Lexa straightened in her throne. She had not expected this answer, though it might explain why the woman was not really worried.

 

''Have you talked to her? Was she well when you saw her last?''

 

The woman sighed. ''She looked physically fine. But she would not let me get close to her. In fact, she probably wouldn't have approached if I had not been in danger.''

 

Lexa rose an eyebrow in silent question.

 

''A panther was stalking me. She scared it away before disappearing again.''

 

Lexa frowned. ''Indra sent reports of a new Pauna – a panther one – in the area. You and your people should be more cautious in the woods.''

 

Though if Abby had been threatened by this new Pauna instead of a regular panther, how on Earth had Clarke managed to scare it away?

 

She mentally shook herself. She could ask the blonde herself, if she finally returned to her people.

 

''Is there truly no way for you to contact her?'' She asked Abby.

 

She had thought Clarke would have ran far away from Arkadia, but it sounded like she had remained relatively close. Probably, Lexa guessed, the young leader had not truly managed to abandon her people, no matter how much she had needed her solitude.

 

Anger and sadness warred on Abby's face.

 

''Make no mistakes, Commander. What I saw may have been my daughter's body, but it was not Clarke. She is alive, but I have lost my child. And I blame you for that.''

 

Lexa frowned, but softened her voice. ''I am no stranger to the wounds hard decisions will cause on a soul. Though I will not apologize for making the best choice for my people, I do want to help Clarke. Our acquaintance was brief, but there are not many people I trust, and Clarke is one of them.''

 

The Sky Chancellor stared at her. ''Would you gamble your life on this? Because if you crossed Clarke's path right now, I honestly do not know whether or not she would kill you. But since you are the reason she lost herself, perhaps you could bring her back.''

 

Lexa did not like how resigned the woman looked. What sort of turmoil had she seen in her daughter's eyes to be so convinced that nothing could restore her sanity?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Clarke walked, partially crouched, her roughly-made knife in her left-hand. The delinquents were hungry, and hunting in groups only scared the game away, so they had decided to separate. She had advised on groups of two, for safety, but everyone had wandered off without listening to her. With a growl, she had decided that she preferred solitude to the company of idiots.

 

She felt watched.

 

The sensation reminded her of when the panther had attacked, and she was questioning the intelligence of walking so far away from the camp. She had walked in the opposite direction of the tree where they had found Jasper, just in case, but that had been days ago. That damn panther could be anywhere.

 

Or it could be a grounder.

 

She wasn't sure which option would be worse. What was the most painful? A spear to the chest and slowly bleeding to death, or being mauled alive by a predator?

 

She shook her head. Better not to try either.

 

She turned around, deciding to return to camp, and froze.

 

Two eyes were staring at her. Their owner hidden in the bushes.

 

''Who are you?''

 

The voice had come from in front of her, but it was unlike any Clarke had heard before. Deeper. Almost like a growl, yet monotone in its pace. Indifferent and focused.

 

She shivered. Did humans have yellow eyes, now, because of the radiations?

 

''Who are you?''

 

The voice echoed again, so perfectly identical to the first time that Clarke almost thought it was an audio file on repeat. Except the eyes in front of her had narrowed slightly.

 

She gulped.

 

At least they speak English, she thought.

 

''My name is Clarke Griffin.'' She replied hesitantly. ''We mean no harm, we…''

 

The voice interrupted her.

 

''Who are you?''

 

She felt the first spark of irritation.

 

''I told you, I am Clarke Griffin. I am from the Ark, and…''

 

She was interrupted again.

 

''You are more than that. Who are you?''

 

She stared at the yellow eyes, dumbfounded.

 

''Excuse me? I believe I know my own name!''

 

''Learn.''

 

It felt more like an order than an advice. She lost herself in the intense gaze and allowed their owner to teach her.

 

An hour later, she returned to the camp. With two big rabbits and an equally big smile.

 

*******

 

Lexa managed to negotiate a trade agreement between _Skaikru_ and three other clans – the Tree, the Boat and the Plain. The Coalition was still not as stable as she would like, but she had built alliances on more shaky foundations before. And she knew Nia would not dare to attack until _Wanheda_ had been found and her power seized one way or another. The queen feared the unknown that the missing Sky leader represented.

 

Titus and Indra both disapproved her plan to try and find Clarke herself. Titus wanted her to remain in Polis and send scouts instead. Indra called her foolish for going alone in the forest, especially one that held at least two _Paunas_ – a huge and strong gorilla and a cunning panther.

 

''Then I will hunt this panther as well. Abby said a panther was stalking her when she saw Clarke. Perhaps it was the same one. Clarke might have found a haven in its territory.'' Lexa declared.

 

''Then the Sky girl is dead, _Heda_. None of our traps have worked, and all the hunters that tried to kill it have returned injured or empty-handed. This _Pauna_ is a vicious one. You should not hunt it on your own.'' Indra said.

 

''If what you say is true, killing it would help me prove my strength again and might even force _Azgeda_ back in line.''

 

It was true, but not the reason Lexa insisted on going alone.

 

She had had a few days to think about her conversation with Abby. She believed that Clarke had remained around Arkadia and TonDC, in the areas she was most familiar with, and found some well-hidden haven. If she was truly within either of the _Paunas'_ territories, it would also explain how she had evaded the scouts. It was difficult to track someone while running from a giant gorilla.

 

Abby had said that Clarke had scared the panther away, so the girl had found some way to protect herself from the feared predator. Perhaps one of those tone generators? They worked against Reapers, so why not against _Pauna_? Lexa would bring one, just in case.

 

Moreover, she hoped her own presence would convince Clarke to come out. She was her own bait, so to speak. She knew the girl might try to kill her, but she had seen Clarke hold a blade, and she was confident she could beat her without injuring her. After over three months, she was bound to have run out of bullets.

 

Then, she would have to figure out what to do with Clarke, which would mostly depend on the blonde's state of mind.

 

That was what worried Lexa the most. She had seen warriors consumed by grief before. Some became catatonic. Others were little different from Reapers.

 

But if Clarke had defended her mother, surely she was not too far gone, right?

 

She stared at her general and her Flame keeper.

 

''I will leave tomorrow at dawn. Titus, you will take care of things in Polis until I return. Indra, we will ride together to TonDC, and then we will part.''

 

Of course, it was almost noon by the time she left the following day, because Titus argued against her going again, and threw a pile of ''urgent matters'' in her hands as soon as she walked out of her rooms. Sorting out the truly pressing matters took little time, reminding her Flame keeper of his place took much longer.

 

When he finally relented and walked away – most likely to sulk in the Flame Sanctuary – she want to the stables and was surprised to see that Indra had waited for her.

 

''I still believe this is a bad idea, _Heda_.'' Her general said as soon as they passed the city gates.

 

Lexa let out a groan, knowing that this would likely be the sole topic of conversation for the next few hours.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finished proofreading, so updates will be quick. Enjoy!  
> (this one is short)

Clarke ran alongside Lexa, the furious – and hungry – screams of the giant gorilla chasing them.

 

She knew she could easily outrun the beast on her own, but she needed the Commander to stay alive or the alliance would crumble. And fighting this giant thing was out of the question for very obvious reasons – its size for one.

 

Seriously, what was the deal with the ground and size? Almost all the grounders were huge, and this gorilla beat all the records. Was there something in the water?

 

She glanced at the young woman beside her. She almost suggested that they try and go different ways, so she could lead the gorilla away. But what if it followed the Commander instead of her? Not only would she lose the alliance, but she would also feel guilty. Lexa was only here because Clarke had lost her cool during the meeting and decided to go have some alone time in the forest.

 

She had not been able to run freely since before the Mountain. She had been so eager to go that she had failed to notice that Quint had followed her at first. She had tried to run away from him, quite certain that killing him in the middle of the woods would not help her diplomatic relations.

 

Then Lexa had intervened and this _Pauna_ had decided to join the party.

 

She climbed quickly to the top of the feeding ground they had stumbled in – going through that old pipe had not been the best idea, after all. She felt a pang in her chest when Lexa's guard was grabbed by the beast, but she knew there was no saving him.

 

She shot the damn thing when it tried to reach them. She was disappointed – though not really surprised – to see it survive the bullets. At least she had gained some more time.

 

She jumped next to the trap door she had noticed – this must have been a zoo before the bombs – and mentally thanked all those nights of running alone in the forest when she managed a smooth landing. Lexa was not as successful, and Clarke had to drag her through the trap door after shooting the gorilla again.

 

If she could survive a giant beast, she could find a way to free her friends from Mount Weather.

 

*******

 

Lexa waited as the rabbit she had caught earlier cooked above her small fire.

 

She had reached TonDC after two days of tedious traveling, and did not pause in the village. At first, she had thought of bringing Octavia along – she was Clarke's friend and Indra's Second, so hopefully her general would shut up and the blonde would still show up.

 

But since Clarke had never been seen by the young warrior, she had eventually decided against it. She could not stay away from Polis for too long, so better not to drag out the search.

 

And it had been a long time since she had enjoyed real solitude.

 

Though she was frustrated that she had found absolutely no sign of Clarke, the simple acts of catching a small rabbit and lighting a fire had been strangely refreshing. It reminded her of her training with Anya. Of simpler times, when the Conclave was just a hopefully distant future, and she did not have the safety of her people weighting so heavily of her shoulders.

 

She believed her old mentor would be proud if she could see Lexa's preparations for the night. She had selected a cave with a narrow entrance – no way the gorilla could slip inside – but with a large enough chamber to move around if she had to fight. Assassins were always a threat. She had also set up many traps – both for animals and humans – though nothing deadly in case Clarke tried to sneak in.

 

She planned to use the cave as a base for the next few days. It was ideally located, about halfway between TonDC and Arkadia, and close to the supposed territories of the two _Paunas_ roaming the area. She doubted Clarke was near, as she had thoroughly scouted around her base before preparing it. The next day, she planned to search closer to Arkadia.

 

Lexa knew there were old, small bunkers in the area. Clarke had mentioned finding at least two. Her own people cared little for these ruins of the Old World, but one might have become a discreet and safe refuge for the blonde. It could also explain the absence of fire, since the _Skaikru_ knew other ways to produce heat and cook with _tek_.

 

She would have to look for subtler signs of human presence. Freshly turned dirt where the insides of game had been buried. Cracked twigs. Small traps for rabbits or similar animals.

 

She sighed. If Clarke had truly stayed near Arkadia, it would be difficult to distinguish her traces from those of the _Skaikru_ hunting teams. Especially since the girl was more efficient than her people in walking and living in the forest. Not to mention all she must have learned those last three and a half months.

 

Perhaps she should just find a clearing and scream until Clarke decided to talk to her. It would probably be faster.

 

If Clarke wanted to talk to her at all, that is.

 

She forced the depressing thoughts away and laid down on her fur to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke could feel her hands shaking as she followed the others to Camp Jaha. She knew she had saved her people. And Lexa's as well – because there was no way Cage would have left them alone once they could breathe the outside air. She had tried to convince the man to surrender, so that they may at least save people like Maya. She had killed – murdered – Dante to prove him she was serious.

 

He had been about to kill her mom. And Raven. And all the others.

 

She had had no choice.

 

She had felt Jasper's accusing gaze on her back the whole way to camp. Monty and Bellamy's guilt from helping her prepare and pull that lever.

 

She remembered Lexa's words from before the battle.

 

_What will you do when this is over?_

 

Perhaps a more appropriate question would have been, what did she have left?

 

Her father was dead. Wells was dead. Charlotte was dead. Finn was dead, by her own hand. Raven hated her for killing him. Octavia and her mother hated her for letting the missile fall on TonDC. Jasper hated her for killing Maya. Monty probably hated her too. Bellamy had said he forgave her, but did he really? Or was he just as terrified as her to face those demons, and hoped that offering her forgiveness meant that he would be forgiven too?

 

She had always wanted to follow in her mother's footsteps and study medicine. Now she had the blood of over a thousand people on her hands.

 

And she wasn't even sure that she had turned eighteen yet.

 

She should have been floated.

 

She could not stay. The Ark had always felt like a cage, and she knew it would never be big enough to host all her demons. She needed space. A lot of space, so that she could try and outrun them.

 

Even if she knew it was impossible.

 

She said goodbye to Bellamy, begging him to take care of their hundred – or what was left of them. Impulsively, she also entrusted him with her watch, with instructions to give it to her mother. She wasn't sure why. As a peace offering? Or because she no longer felt deserving of it?

 

Then she ran into the forest.

 

*******

 

Lexa awoke suddenly and immediately started looking around for what had disturbed her slumber. The blazes of her dying fire did little to lighten the cave, but she trusted her instincts. Something was wrong. A danger was near.

 

She closed her fist around the handle of her dagger, searching the darkness.

 

And froze when her eyes landed on the shape that blocked part of the moonlight from the entrance of the cave.

 

Barely breathing and forcing herself to remain absolutely still, she studied the animal shape that was only a few feet away. As she had first guessed, it was a panther. She was growing unsure, however, that it was the _Pauna_ Indra had warned her about.

 

_Paunas_ were usually large – thankfully not always as large this gorilla she had faced with Clarke – and more aggressive than regular animals.

 

The panther in front of her seemed content to remain immobile, though Lexa had no doubt it would pounce on her if she made the slightest movement. How had it passed all her traps? Had she stumbled upon its lair?

 

The last thought almost made her smile, imagining Indra's reaction if she learned her Commander had been eaten because she had decided to sleep in a cave without her feline host's authorization.

 

Unfortunately, humor would not save her, and she knew her reflexes – no matter how great – would not help her when she was lying down, half wrapped in a fur and alone against a dangerous predator – _Pauna_ or not.

 

She observed the big black cat, hoping to find some wound or sign of illness. There had to be a reason the animal had not attacked her yet. Perhaps she could use it to escape this unexpected encounter alive.

 

She found nothing.

 

The panther was of a regular size, perhaps even smaller than most – which still meant about a hundred and fifty pounds of muscles – posed to attack but still immobile, with shadowed eyes trained on Lexa.

 

She glanced at her fire pit, cursing herself for not gathering more wood for the night. The fire would have frightened the animal where her traps had clearly failed. Now, the best thing she could think of was to throw the embers at it to scare or distract it as she entangled herself and her daggers.

 

She took a deep, slow breathe to focus.

 

And moved.

 

She lunged towards the dying fire, grabbed a fistful of the white-hot embers with her left hand and threw it blindly towards the feline. A roar informed her that she had either hit or surprised her target. Meanwhile, she kicked away the furs and raised the dagger in her right hand. She tried to jump back in a low crouch, but the predator was already upon her.

 

She stabbed with the dagger and felt the blade rip against the thick fur as the weight of the animal forced her down. Claws buried in her left shoulder and she closed her eyes in pain and resignation.

 

When death did not claim her after several seconds, she opened them again.

 

The panther was above her, pining her to the floor with its body and claws still digging in her shoulder. Its lips were pulled back in a snarl that displayed impressively sharp fangs. But it was not this sight that terrified Lexa.

 

It was its eyes.

 

Its blue eyes.

 

A shade of blue she had memorized months ago, and would have recognized anywhere.

 

Her heart pounded in her chest as Abby's voice echoed in her mind.

 

_What I saw may have been my daughter's body, but it was not Clarke._

 

The panther above her growled,  its jaws hovering close to Lexa's neck.  Her eyes remained fixed on the panther's blue ones,  barely registering the threat to her own life.

 

_It is quite presumptuous of you to assume that you know my daughter's abilities so well._

 

Terror filled her, but none of it was about her very likely soon-to-be death.

 

''Clarke? Is that you?'' She asked in a desperate whisper.

 

The panther froze.  Blinked.

 

Before Lexa could register its movements, the cave was empty. The only proof of its earlier presence  was the burn in her left hand and her bleeding shoulder.

 

She sat up shakily, automatically extracting bandages from her pack to wrap her wounds.

 

Such things were impossible. Humans only transformed in animals in children tales.

 

And yet… For some reason, she was convinced that this panther had been Clarke.  And not just because of its eyes, but also its behavior. Normal animals did not behave like that.

 

She rose and exited the cave. She wasn't even sure why. To beg Clarke – the panther – to come back?  To run after her?

 

She stopped when she saw half of her traps had been uselessly activated with stones, catching nothing but air. No regular animal could have done that.

 

She walked back inside the cave, strangely convinced that the panther – Clarke – would not return that night. She needed to take care of her wounds and try to get some sleep.

 

Tomorrow, she would go to Arkadia and demand explanations from Abby.

 

Eyes trained on the entrance on the cave, silent tears running down her cheeks, she wondered what had been the most painful: the claws in her shoulders, or that Clarke had left without a backward glance?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets a few explanations

She runs.

 

Away from the familiar smells of those humans. Away from the place  that smel t of burned bodies.

 

She runs. Free.  Jumping over fallen trees and sniffing the air to find a prey. She is hungry.

 

She smells a gorilla. She has seen it before. She is close to its territory. She roars in defiance, but walks away from the place. There is plenty of space in the forest, and the gorilla lives amongst cages.

 

She has had enough of those.

 

She hunts. She eats. She sleeps. She runs.

 

She observes.

 

The humans living in the metal cave smell familiar.  She knows they meant more, before. Now, they are mostly noisy.

 

Some walk in her forest from time to time, calling out the name Clarke.

 

Clarke.

 

The name is familiar. She doesn't know why. But those humans smell especially familiar, so she just follows them silently.

 

One day, she is not the only one following.  Another panther has dared to enter her territory. Not very surprising, preys are more scarce now that winter has arrived.  And those humans are not like the ones further in the forest. They act more like preys than predators.

 

The older human female does not realize that she has become a prey.  It is not surprising.  She never noticed when she followed her.

 

The other panther crouches to attack, and a wave of protectiveness suddenly rises inside of her. This human is hers.

 

She jumps between the intruder and its prey with a threatening roar.  The other tries to intimidate her. She snarls back until it finally leaves.

 

She can smell the fear of the human behind her. And a threat. She turns around to see a glinting object pointing at her. She knows those things can hurt her. She stills.

 

The human stares at her. She seems surprised.

 

''It… Clarke? Are… It can't…''

 

The name is familiar, like the smell of the human.

 

She jumps in the bushes and walks away.  Familiar does not mean important.

 

And she is  still hungry.

 

*******

 

Lexa strode inside Arkadia, asking the first  _Skaikru_ guard she recognized to lead her to the Chancellor.  She has put on her pauldron, so even those that don't know her face understand her status and obey her without question.  _Skaikru_ is not yet part of the Coalition, but they are more at ease with  _Trikru_ and the Commander.

 

She had never been inside the Ark before. The enclosed space was oppressive, the air stale. It made her uncomfortable.

 

The guard escorted her to the medical bay and announced her presence to Abby.  The doctor's eyes watched her over, lingering on her bandaged hand. But that was not why she had come here.

 

''I need to talk to you,  _Abi kom Skaikru_ . ''

 

The woman looked around. There were not many patients, as far as Lexa could tell, but then  _Skaikru_ did not seem to have many healers either. Idly, she wondered how they would manage  if Clarke did not return as one of their healer. She had never seen or heard of another apprentice in  _Skaikru_ medicine.

 

''Can it wait, Commander? I am supposed to be on call.''

 

Lexa checked that no one was in hearing distance and stepped closer.

 

''I saw Clarke last night. I want an explanation.''

 

She knew her status as _Heda_ did not entitle her to ask about personal things, but right now she did not feel above pulling rank to obtain answers. She hoped the doctor would be more forthcoming than she had been in Polis.

 

She looked surprised.

 

''You have? Are you… How do you know it was her?''

 

She did not exactly have proof.

 

''I just know it was.'' She paused. ''She scratched me, then left.''

 

She did not really want to explain more. The encounter still felt surreal.  She had yet to sort her emotions about it. Relief, disbelief, worry, despair, anger, sadness… Fear.

 

Fear that this panther had truly been Clarke. Fear that this… transformation could not be reversed.

 

That Clarke had, for all intent and purposes, disappeared.

 

That a very complicated ''Not yet'' had become a ''Never''.

 

Abby stared at her for a while, and then called for  the other healer – Jackson – to take care of things in her stead.

 

She escorted Lexa out of the room.

 

''I need to get something from my rooms, then we will go to a private place to talk.'' She explained.

 

Lexa nodded, and followed Abby around until they finally settled in a small, mostly empty room. She noticed a small cot along one wall, and some sort of window in the ceiling. She was more surprised by the many drawings that covered the walls and the floor.

 

''What is this room?'' She asked, despite her impatience to learn what Abby knew about Clarke's current situation.

 

The woman smiled sadly, her fingers caressing one of the drawings. ''It was Clarke's cell.''

 

Lexa's head snapped up. ''A cell?''

 

Abby sat on the cot with a sigh. ''She never told you? All the kids that were sent first were criminals. Clarke spent almost a year i n that cell before she was sent with the other s . ''

 

''I remember Octavia saying that her friends were delinquents. I had not realized it applied to all of them.''

 

''Delinquents is probably more adequate than criminals.'' Abby admitted. ''Many had not really done anything wrong. Punched someone, or stole some food. I doubt even you would sentence a child to death for that.''

 

Of course not.  A starving child needed to be fed, not punished.  She narrowed her eyes at the older woman.

 

''And Clarke?''

 

She wondered what the blonde had done to end up in this room. If a punch was enough for this sentence, it was easy to imagine that she had lost her temper.

 

''Clarke tried to help her father disclose a piece of information that the Chancellor – Jaha – preferred to keep secret. It was easier to lock her up than to convince her not to go through with it.''

 

Lexa felt a smile tug at her lips. That sounded like Clarke. Stubborn.

 

Abby produced something from her pocket and offered it to Lexa.  ''That's enough about the past. Do you recognize this?''

 

Lexa took the object. She had seen it on the blonde's wrist. In fact, she could not remember Clarke not wearing it.

 

''It is Clarke's watch.''

 

The doctor nodded. ''It is some sort of family heirloom, from her father. Passed down from his grandmother who boarded the Ark, to her son, to him, to Clarke.''

 

Lexa nodded at the woman to continue, silently noting the unspoken confirmation of what she had long suspected. Clarke's father was dead.  She examined the watch, guessing that Abby would not have made a detour to retrieve it if it was not somehow relevant to the situation.

 

''Do not resist your Call.'' She read,  frowning . ''What does this mean?''

 

Abby briefly buried her head in her hands.

 

''I am afraid I do not know as much as you think. Jake – Clarke's father – used to tell  her this tale when she was a child. It was a family legend, he used to say. But to be honest, I don't think he believed it either.''

 

''And what did the story say?''  Lexa prompted.

 

''Basically, that around teenage-hood the child might experience the Call. And if all went well, they would afterward be able to… transform into an animal at will. He said that his grandmother insisted that one must never resist the Call, because you would transform anyway and then it was more likely that the animal would… take over.''

 

Lexa frowned. ''So, you believe Clarke resisted this Call?''

 

The older woman shook her head. ''If the story is true, no. According to Jake's story, these forced transformations were always short and the danger was that the animal was feral and often attacked friends or family members. Clarke has been transformed for months and she has saved my life .  From what you said, s he even spared you.''

 

Lexa leaned against the wall, careful not to smear the charcoal drawings near her. ''Then what is it? What I saw felt more like an animal than Clarke.  I am not sure she even recognized me!''

 

Abby rose an eyebrow, and Lexa knew some of her desperation had shown in her tone. She forced her face in its usual mask and gulped.

 

''That's a story Jake told less often. Sometimes, after the Call, the human would let the animal within them take over completely.  The animal would not be feral, often staying close to loved ones but otherwise… indifferent.''

 

She glared at the Commander.

 

''And it usually happened after a traumatizing experience.''

 

Lexa felt like the woman had just punched her in the stomach, but was careful not to let it show. Her earlier outburst had been bad enough.  And, she reasoned, she had always known that Clarke had left because of the Mountain.

 

She just hadn't known exactly how far away the girl could go.

 

''And how  did the family convince them to turn back? '' She asked.

 

Abby's shoulders sagged in defeat. ''I don't know if they did. ''

 

Lexa gritted her teeth. She was not one to surrender without a fight.

 

''If it can happen one way, I see no reason why it couldn't happen the other way.  There has to be a way to reverse Clarke's transformation.''

 

She felt dangerously close to pleading.

 

The older woman still looked resigned. ''How do you convince a panther to become human?'' She asked dryly. ''From what I understand of Jake's story, the transformation is not just the body morphing into an animal. The mind changes as well. You saw it with Clarke, as I did. Clarke wanted to run away from all the horrors she saw. That panther just hunts, sleeps and whatever. I am not even sure she understands language right now. So tell me, Commander, how do you propose we convince a wild cat to give me my daughter back?''

 

The voice had risen as Abby talked, and she nearly screamed the last sentence in Lexa's face. The Commander  stayed calm.

 

''Clarke stopped when I called her name. She approached me. She destroyed all my traps. No panther could do that. I have to believe that there is enough of her left to listen.''  She paused. ''You should have told me all this in Polis.'' She added reproachfully.

 

The doctor looked at her disbelievingly. ''Would you have believed me?''

 

Perhaps not, Lexa admitted silently.  She pushed away from the wall and walked to the door.

 

''What are you doing?'' Abby's voice called from behind.

 

''If there is nothing more you can tell me about the situation, I will return to the cave where Clarke found me. Now that I know what I am tracking down, I will find her and try to talk to her.''

 

She left after giving the cell one last glance over her shoulder, ignoring the pang in her chest. She had not known that Clarke liked to draw.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

There is a new smell.

Well, not completely new. It is another human that smells familiar, but it was not in this area before. And it is alone, it did not join the other humans in the wooden or metal caves.

Curious, the panther follows the scent.

She sees the traps as she grows closer to the cave where the scent is strongest. She grabs a stone in her jaw and drops it on the first trap. She will not end up hanging upside-down like a rabbit.

Soon, the way to the cave is clear and she slips inside until she can see the human.

It is not the first human she has seen sleeping in her forest, but it is the first one doing so alone. Memories of the human sprang up in her mind, fuzzy. Like most of her memories, the smells are too weak, the sight strange, the sounds muffled. She dismisses them.

This human seems more in tune with its environment than those from the metal cave. The panther hears as the breathing quickens and a slight fear enters the oddly familiar smell.

She does not move when the human starts staring at her. She just has to push on her rear legs to pounce on her if she becomes threatening. After a few seconds, the human moves toward the fire and throws something at her. She roars when the hot ember hits her fur, and jumps.

Something cold brushes against her fur without piercing skin as she buries her claws in the arm that threw the fire. The human hisses in pain, and the smell of burned flesh assaults her nose.

She stills. The smell comes from the human's hand, and evokes feelings within her. Worry. Protectiveness. Comfort.

Anger.

Somehow, she knows it is not the first time this human has tried to hurt her.

She moves in for the kill when the human speaks.

''Clarke? Is that you?''

It is the name again, but this human does not say it as the others does. She stops.

She feels something more than feelings and vague impressions stirring deep within her.

She does not like it.

She leaves.

*******

Lexa left Arkadia after leaving a message to Indra with Octavia, advising her general that she had found a lead and that no one was to bother her unless it was an absolute emergency.

She returned to her cave and started studying the ground for the prints of a panther. Anya had made her track all kinds of animals before, so she was confident she could find which way Clarke went. She doubted her mentor would approve of her plans to try and talk to a panther, though.

For the first time, she wondered what exactly Anya had thought of the Skaikru leader. What would she have said of Lexa's feelings for Clarke?

She grimaced. Anya would have probably called her a fool. And rightly so. But in the end, she was certain her First would have supported her. She had always scoffed at Titus' ''love is weakness'' motto.

She spent the whole day tracking down the panther, growing more and more frustrated. Clarke always kept far enough ahead that she could not catch up, but she made no effort to hide either.

Indifferent.

It was the best word she could find to describe the panther's behavior toward her pursuer. Not worth enough notice to truly run from or even attack. It was the one feeling she had never expected Clarke to display after Mount Weather, and it hurt her more than if the girl had spit on her with hatred.

When the light started to fade, she realized that she was not very far from her cave and sighed. She must have covered a good part of the panther's territory, and absolutely nothing had come out of it. She had shot a small deer earlier, and decided to stop for the day. She should have enough meat for a few days, so she might try to follow Clarke longer tomorrow, without worrying about feeding herself.

She decided to take a chance and did not renew her traps. She did not want to injure Clarke if she missed one and stepped on it. And she was pretty sure all other predators had been chased away by the new panther.

As she cut and cooked the deer, she thought back on what she had learned from Abby.

She had given up understanding how a human could transform in an animal. Clarke could, both Abby and herself were convinced of that fact. What she needed to figure out was how to communicate with Clarke while she was in this form.

From what Abby had explained and her own observations of Clarke while preparing the attack on the Mountain, it was clear that the blonde had already been through this Call at the time. It explained her surprising agility and awareness in the forest, as well as the reports of her disappearing from the sight of Anya's scouts. She also suspected that the blonde had transformed whenever she claimed a need for solitude and left without waiting for her guard.

Lexa shook her head, remembering the hard time she had given Ryder every time he had apologized to her for losing Clarke. She had wanted to retrograde him for what she had perceived as incompetence, and the Skaikru leader had begged her not to, promising to wait for her guard from now on. She had accepted, but only because the blonde had warned that she would continue her solitary walks if she assigned another guard.

She wondered how much of Clarke's frustration before the battle came from the fact that she had not been able to roam the forest as a panther for several days. Abby had said that they normally transformed at will, but was it a need? 

More concerning was the way the animal sounded almost like a separate entity. She doubted Clarke felt indifferent after Lexa's actions, yet the panther acted so. Was it because Clarke was now more animal than human? Was the panther unable to feel hatred or affection, or was it that Clarke's and the panther's feelings were different?

She sighed as she wrapped the last piece of deer. She would not pretend that she knew how Clarke thought – when she had been in a more conventional state – or how a panther thought. Much less something in between. So how could she interact with a feline somewhat-Clarke entity?

She forced herself to try and analyze how Clarke made decisions. The young leader had always been passionate in her actions. She relied on her feelings to know who to trust or not, took the life of all of her people to heart, often hesitating to put them in danger even when they were willing. It was very different from the detached reasoning Lexa had learned and perfected over the years.

And from what Abby had said, it was those same emotions that had led her to her current state.

The panther had stopped when Lexa had called her Clarke. Why? Because she recognized the name? Or because of the tone in which she had whispered it?

With an inward cringe, Lexa realized that she would probably have to display her emotions more freely that she ever had if she wanted to find Clarke.

Later that night, she was again awaken by the feeling of being watched. She was only mildly surprised to see a blue-eyed panther crouched in the entrance of the cave.

Slowly, doing her best to appear calm and non-threatening, she sat up, hands empty and on display.

''Hello, Clarke.'' She greeted softly.

The panther's tail twitched.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one.

The human is following her.

 

She  sniff s the air, tasting the smells. A deer must be half a mile away, but she ate yesterday, she is not that hungry.

 

She smells small rodents and follows them.  Then she will find a place to sleep.

 

She is crunching the bones of some  oversized mouse when she smells the human again. It is still far, but growing closer.  She growls, irritated. She wants to sleep, and does not want humans near her when she does.

 

She walks around her territory, taking naps in trees and moving away when she hears the human footsteps getting too close for her comfort.  The human walks slowly, and does not use a horse like the hunters that chased her a few days ago did. It is easy to leave a few miles between herself and the human,  taking care to remain upwind  to smell her .

 

When night comes, the smell fades.

 

The panther climbs a tree and takes another nap.

 

When she wakes and roams around her forest, she notices the human smell is coming from the cave again.

 

Something stirs within her, like the previous night. She wants to see this human.

 

She slips inside the cave.

 

********

 

Lexa could feel her heart pounding.

 

She had no idea how long the panther and she had been staring at each other. After her initial greeting, she had ran out of ideas besides staying still. The previous night, she had thought she faced a dangerous predator and fought. Now, she knew she was facing Clarke.

 

And she had no idea of whether or not she was in danger.

 

The panther seemed content with watching her, unmoving. However she twitched at the slightest movement from Lexa, and the Commander was certain it would pounce at the first hint of threat.

 

But Lexa was not content with sitting on her bed of furs all night long. For one, it made her feel extremely vulnerable in case the panther – Clarke – did attack. Secondly,  she doubted staring at the big cat would bring Clarke back.

 

She took a slow breath and gradually moved to free herself from the furs. It was a slow process, pausing every time the  panther growled in warning.

 

Eventually, she was sitting in a crouch next to her bed. The panther had taken a couple steps further in the cave while she moved, and its lips were pulled back in a warning snarl. Lexa rose her hands to try and pacify it, while mentally wondering whether the panther would even know how to interpret the gesture.

 

It seemed to understand, though, because the fangs disappeared from view and the flattened ears perked up.

 

With a quiet sigh of relief, Lexa started again with a soft voice.

 

''Clarke? Are you hungry? I have meat for you if you want.''

 

The panther gave no indication that she understood the words, but seemed to relax at the soft tone. So, Lexa continued talking softly, explaining that she had come from Polis to see her, while she slowly unwrapped a piece of the deer she had cooked earlier.  She showed it to the blue-eyed cat before gently putting it on the floor and stepping back.

 

''See? I mean no harm. I just want to talk to you.  It has been a long time since we talked, and there are a lot of things we have yet to discuss, haven't we, Clarke? ''

 

After several seconds that felt like an eternity to her, the panther sniffed the meat before eating it slowly.  Lexa guessed that the animal was not really hungry.

 

She had no idea what to do now. She was exhausted from all the revelations of the day, the stress of her two encounters with this feline Clarke, walking around the forest for hours and the pounding pain in her shoulder. Perhaps she should have let Abby take a look at it, but she had  not wanted to remain in Arkadia too long and risk  losing the tracks of the panther.

 

She slumped against the wall of the cave, not really seeing the point in maintaining her crouch. If Clarke decided to attack her, she doubted she could win in her current state – injured, physically exhausted and emotionally drained.

 

''Why are you here?'' She asked the panther.

 

The panther relaxed from her crouched position into a more comfortable one, and laid her head between her front paws  with a huff .

 

Lexa drifted off watching the sleeping black form in front of her.

 

She awoke with her head resting on a paw and her right hand buried in the thick fur of the panther's neck.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The human is not afraid. Unlike the previous night.

 

She moves, and the panther does not like that. Last night, the human threw fire at her after moving. She growls.

 

She does not want to harm this human.  But she will if she attacks again.

 

She doesn't.

 

The movements are slow, and the human never tries to get closer to the fire or withdraw a blade.

 

She speaks in  a  soft voice, and the panther likes this voice.

 

She has always liked it, she knows, even when her ears were different.  Less sharp.

 

The human sets food in front of her and moves further away.

 

The panther does not understand. Why won't she eat her food?

 

She waits. She remembers vaguely that humans do strange things with their food before eating it sometimes. She used to do it, too.

 

But the human makes absolutely no movement to claim back her food.

 

So she takes a step forward and sniffs it.

 

The smell is different from that of her own kills. It smells of meat, but also of fire and wood. Somehow, it is familiar as well.

 

Slowly, she eats the meat. The taste is familiar yet foreign. She ate this before, she knows. But she had a different tongue then.

 

The human is leaning against the wall of the cave. She smells of sweat and blood. Of exhaustion.

 

The panther is tired, too. She wants to go find a nice tree and sleep.

 

But something inside her wants to stay close to the human.  And it is too frail to harm her, anyway.

 

She falls asleep with her head between her paws, and only awakens briefly when a sleepy hand caresses her fur and the human's head drops next to her s .

 

********

 

Lexa had no idea why the panther was now following her.

 

Not that she was complaining, but  she  feared that at any moment  she would get bored and disappear in the forest  again .

 

When she had awaken  with her nose barely an inch away from a blue eye, she had frozen, half elated that the panther had allowed her this close and half ashamed of what her body had done while she was asleep.

 

Then a deep sound had come from the  animal , and Lexa had thought the panther was only now realizing the human's position. And that she was about to eat Lexa alive.

 

Until she realized the panther was purring.

 

So, she had stayed in this position a little longer, enjoying the sound coming from her furry companion.  Hoping that this meant that Clarke was not as angry as she thought.  After all, the panther was Clarke, right?

 

But after a while, she had risen. As much as she liked the quiet moment, she truly wished to share it with Clarke – the human, conscious version of Clarke.  The panther's behavior gave her hope that ''Not yet'' might be closer to ''Soon'', but she feared that she  was  getting her hopes up.

 

What if she could not convince Clarke to transform again?

 

What if she did, only to have the blonde hate her and refuse to see her again?

 

But Lexa was not the only one who wanted to see Clarke again. And she was somewhat responsible for the young leader's current state, so she did not feel like she had the right to give up.

 

She had left the cave, constantly speaking to the panther in a soft voice and happy to see her following.  When she had run out of things to say, the panther had stayed.

 

She had no idea why, but she was grateful.

 

Since talking had not brought Clarke back, Lexa had decided to try  and bring the panther to places where she had been with Clarke before. She hoped it would trigger memories and that it would be enough to make her change back.

 

Unfortunately, most of those memories where in TonDC, and she doubted Indra would happily welcome a fully grown panther in her village. In fact, any scout spotting the predator so close to  _Heda_ would most likely try to take it down.

 

So, she had starting walking to the only place she could think of, all the while wondering how stupid she was for doing so.

 

The place where Clarke and her had made camp just after escaping  _Pauna_ .

 

She hoped the gorilla would not be anywhere close, because there was no way she could fight it with only one good arm. She had seen the state of her shoulder this morning, and knew she should go see a healer. But she did not want to leave Clarke now that she had found her. She had no idea whether or  n ot she would come back again if Lexa left the forest.

 

Not to mention that Nyko would insist that she rests for a few days, and then it would be time to return to Polis.

 

It took several hours to reach their destination.  Winter had erased all the remains of their small camp, but a patch of greener grass confirmed that a fire had been lit there  a few months ago . And she would have recognized this arrangement of logs anywhere.

 

She settled against the same tree as last time, and observed as the panther sniffed around the place.  She could feel her heartbeat quicken in anticipation, but  could not read any emotions of the panther's face. Clarke used to be an open book, but the animal's features naturally concealed everything.

 

Exhausted, she  did not even realized she had fallen asleep until she slid against the trunk and the shock of her injured arm hitting the ground woke her suddenly.

 

Alarmed that she  had fallen asleep without the slightest protection –  and so near the gorilla  _Pauna's_ territory – she looked around  frantically .

 

The panther was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next!

The human is warm.

 

Not that she needs additional warmth with her thick fur. But the human makes her feel warm  in more than  just  a physical way.  Something stirs inside of her, and craves the closeness.

 

The panther likes solitude, but this part of her does not. And for some reason, it likes being close to this human more than others.

 

So when the human leaves the cave, again speaking in this soft, relaxing voice, the panther follows.

 

She can smell the blood on the human. She also smelt  it  when she briefly removed the wrappings around her shoulder. She d oes not like the smell. It ma k e s this strange part of her worry.

 

The human  walks for a long time, but she is slower than the previous day. She walks until they leave the part of the forest where the panther has lived during winter, and the panther hesitates.

 

A gust of wind carrying the smell of the wounded human convinces her. This strange part of her, asleep for a long time, seems to be more aware.

 

It is uncomfortable at times. But she has missed it.

 

When the human finally stops, the panther explores this new place.  She had been here before, she knows, but again the memories are fuzzy. Seen with other eyes.  She can tell that there are very few memories of it, however. Unlike the metal cave, or even the stone and wood place where humans live.

 

Yet, these memories stands out.  Something significant happened here.

 

Feelings follow  t he memory.  Fear. Trust. Comfort.

 

The human has fallen asleep.

 

The panther stares at her for a few seconds before stretching and yawning. She is hungry.

 

She  sniff s the air, smells a rabbit and leaves.

 

*********

 

Lexa clumsily got up when she realized her new companion had disappeared. Her shoulder was on fire, and the pain was spreading down her arm.  She really should go and find a healer.

 

The sun had almost disappeared, the light was low. Lexa understood that she had slept for at least a couple of hours.

 

Foolish.

 

TonDC was too far for her to make it there before dark,  even if she had it in her to leave after losing Clarke.  She started gathering wood for a small fire as she followed the faint prints of the panther.  She quickly gave up when she saw that it would lead her too far away from her camp. She couldn't follow the trail in the dark, and she needed sleep.

 

She lit the fire, ate a few stripes of meat, and tended to her wound with a grimace.  Pus was oozing from it – no wonder she felt so tired. She rummaged in her bag until she found a small vial of medicine. She knew it would not be enough to fully cure her and clean her wound, but she hoped it would help clear her foggy mind.  Then s he emptie d a flask of alcohol on the wound, hissing at the pain.

 

If it was not better in the morning, she would have no choice but  to  return to TonDC.

 

Despite her tiredness, she fought to stay awake, hoping Clarke would come back. She had come to her two nights in a row, after all.

 

She shook with relief when a dark, lithe form jumped over a log.

 

The panther walked up to her, sniffing her injured shoulder. Lexa smiled at the action. It was such a Clarke move to  assess an injury before doing anything else.

 

Silently , the panther laid next to her. Lexa hesitated, and then moved to press her body against the fur, shivering with fever.  She was lulled to sleep by the panther's soft purring.

 

The next day,  the medicine had kicked in and  her fever was gone.  Her mind felt clearer.

 

The wound still looked bad.

 

The panther was still sleeping, and Lexa sat against a log to eat while she debated what to do.

 

The reasonable thing to do would be to go to the nearest healer – Nyko – and have him treat her shoulder. But there was no way the panther could enter TonDC unharmed. She had a feeling the panther would stay close to her, though she was still unsure of why. Clarke had not tried to stay close to her mother or her friends.

 

Or perhaps she had – probably, in fact, since she had miraculously appeared to save Abby – but never to the point of sleeping next to them.  It could be that she did not want to be close to large groups of humans, and Lexa was simply the first one to stay overnight in the forest, alone. Or maybe it was her wound, and the healer in Clarke that urged the animal to follow her everywhere.

 

Lexa dared not hope it was more personal.

 

Maybe Clarke would be safer if Lexa went to Arkadia instead of TonDC? She had more friends there, and a lot of memories that might help her come back.

 

The panther twitched and emitted a low, sleepy growl. Lexa stared confusedly for a few seconds before she felt a grin play on her lips. She was dreaming.

 

It  was amusing to see a predator doing something so simple as dream, and it remind ed her of when Clarke had last slept here.  It  wa s also refreshing, because after all that had happened, she had expected the young leader to be haunted by nightmares for months.

 

She held her breath, struck by the thought.

 

The _panther_ was dreaming.

 

_Clarke_ would definitely have nightmares.

 

Lexa was no stranger to those, since the first time she had taken a life as Anya's young  _Seken_ . She suspected they would be much worse without the Flame in the back of neck. The Spirit d id not absolve her from her guilt,  but it help ed her limit them to get enough sleep.

 

After all the lives Clarke had sacrificed for her people, the girl was bound to have nightmares.

 

Yet, she was free of them. Because she had transformed in the panther lying in front of Lexa.

 

She felt her throat tighten.

 

Clarke was  _free_ .

 

And all Lexa had thought of these last few days was how she could take that freedom away from her.  How selfish was that?

 

Lexa was proud to take care of her people, but she would be lying if she said that the duty did not weigh heavily on her. There were times when the burden was almost more than she could bear. Probably more than anyone should bear, in fact. Like when  _Azgeda_ had delivered her a bloody gift.

 

Or when she had abandoned Clarke at the Mountain.

 

She had only been able to bear it at the time because it was supposed to be temporary. Just long enough for her to take her people to safety and regroup with her troops.

 

Clarke had been faster than her, and now both of them had to bear  the consequences  until their death.

 

Or so she thought.

 

Death was the only freedom a Commander could aspire to, and she had thought the same was true for Clarke. But the blonde had found another way out.  A way to live out her life free of all the burdens thrust upon her.

 

How could Lexa deprive her of that?

 

She kneeled besides the panther, burying her face in its fur to hide the tears that had escaped her eyes. She inhaled her scent one last time, calming her shuddering breath, and stood.

 

She left the small camp with a final whisper.

 

''Goodbye, Clarke.''


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The panther walks silently through the bushes.

 

She has first followed the scent of a rabbit, but then the wind changed, and she has smelt a boar.

 

A bigger and closer prey. The choice was easy.

 

She stalks the boar until she is close enough to reach it in a single jump.

 

And pounces.

 

She feels hot blood fill her mouth as she clenches her jaws around its neck, squeezing until the prey gives up. Then she eats. All these hours of walking with the human made her hungry.

 

Once her stomach is pleasantly full, she walks back to the place where the human has fallen asleep.

 

There is a small fire, but the panther does not care about that. The smell of the wound is stronger, mixed with another smell that she finds disagreeable.

 

She leans in to smell more closely. The wound definitely smells stronger, but she vaguely remembers this smell. Her nose was not as sharp the last time she smelt it. But she knows she poured it on a wound before.

 

Satisfied for now, though part of her is still worried, she lays down to sleep. Her stomach is full, she needs to digest her meal. She purrs when she feels the human lay down against her.

 

When she opens her eyes again, the human is no longer by her side.

 

********

 

L exa knew she was in trouble.

 

The medicine seemed to no longer be effective. Her mind was once again foggy, her shoulder painful and she felt far too hot for it to be normal.

 

She was not even certain she was walking in the right direction to find TonDC.

 

Gritting her teeth, she forced herself to keep walking. No help would come to her in the middle of the forest.

 

And it would be incredibly stupid to have the Commander of Blood die from an untreated wound  when there were at least two healers within a few miles range.

 

She paused against a tree to catch her breath and try to orient herself.

 

Indra would be so pissed when she finally reached the village.  Not only had Lexa gone into the forest alone against her advice, but she had not even taken proper care of the wound despite having many opportunities to do so – one being with the  _Skaikru's_ best doctor.

 

Fleetingly, she entertained the idea of going to Arkadia instead. There would be less bothersome generals there.

 

But it would be too risky to walk that far now that she had used all of her medicine.

 

She should really bring more next time.

 

A noise made her turn around, half-expecting – and hoping – to see the familiar form of a panther following her.

 

Her heart sank when she met five scarred faces with white paint.

 

_Azgeda_ .

 

Lexa knew she was still in  _Trikru_ territory. This scouting party had no right to be here. She knew several clans had wanted to scavenge Mount Weather, and  _Trikru_ had had to deal with more than a few such groups over the winter.

 

Even if they wanted to, there was no way these warriors could afford to let the Commander go when she had inadvertently caught them red-handed.

 

And she was no t in her best shape to fight five-to-one.

 

Despite her foggy mind, she reached her conclusion faster than her opponents. She was already attacking the closest one by the time they reached for their weapons.

 

Her ferocious blow caught him in the throat, but the others were already retaliating. She stepped back, unable to use her left arm to balance herself or deviate blows with her dagger.

 

It did not take long for her opponents to realize that they had caught her in a moment of weakness.  Attacks focused on her injured side.

 

It was a good strategy, but she had not become  _Heda_ by giving up on a fight just because she had sustained one injury.  She stepped back further, allowed one sword to nick her arm to boost her opponents confidence. One young warrior overextended himself, eager to end her fight.

 

She slashed his leg open with a vicious blow and a furious growl. She knew she had hit the artery.

 

She managed to take care of another  in a similar manner , but the last two were clearly more experienced. After the loss of their companions, they became more defensive, only attacking when they were certain to hit her and contenting themselves with small cuts  rather than aim killing blows . They knew she could not run, and were patiently wearing her down.

 

She refused to give up, defending herself as best as she could while scanning all around her for something to reverse the tide of the battle. She remembered how Clarke had saved them by caging the Pauna when she had been ready to die facing it. If she could find something to distract the warriors, she may still have a chance…

 

As if to answer her prayers, a deep roar erupted from behind her opponents.

 

The blue-eyed panther jumped from the bushes and  landed on the back of one of the men who screamed in surprised pain. Lexa used the distraction to quickly kill the other one. By the time she turned to help the black cat, its victim was bleeding on the ground.

 

She fell to her knees. Her vision swam. Black spots were flickering before her eyes.

 

''Thank you, Clarke.'' She mumbled as she lost consciousness.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The panther stands up and sniffs the air. The scent of the human,  mixed with the stink of the wound, is already fading, she must have left a while ago.

 

Something inside her worries and wants to follow the human.

 

She  is not hungry. She feels rested.

 

She makes her way through the forest, following the familiar smell. It does not take long for the smell to grow stronger.

 

That's when she notices the other smells. Several unfamiliar humans. And blood.

 

A deep growl starts in her chest as she runs through the bushes. Her human is bleeding, and two others are trying to kill her. She jumps with an angry roar, burying her claws in the back of the closest man, tearing his skin. Her weight makes him fall forward, and she closes her jaws around his neck before jerking it up violently. She feels the bones snap.

 

The last human is already bleeding on the ground, but her human is weak. She watches as she falls to her knees.

 

When her eyes cloud and unconsciousness takes over, the strange part of herself screams.

 

Clarke  reached out her arms and  ca ught Lexa.

 

*******

 

Lexa blinked, confused by her surroundings. She was certain she had not fallen asleep here.

 

Frowning, she tried to remember exactly what had happened before she fell asleep. The memory hit her like a brick and she sat up suddenly, eyes closing when pain erupt ed in her shoulder again – and other parts of her body as well.

 

A hand gently pushed her back down.

 

''Easy. Your fever just broke. ''

 

Her eyes shot open.

 

''Clarke?!''  She exclaimed.

 

Clarke – a human Clarke – smiled down at her.

 

''Hey, Lexa.''

 

She relaxed, no longer attempting to get up. ''But… How? I mean…''

 

She shook her head, confused. She had talked to the panther, brought it to a place that held memories, then abandoned it  when she realized how selfish her actions were.

 

Clarke held a cup to her mouth. ''When you collapsed, something snapped and suddenly I was back. I had grown more... aware… over the last few days. I think I would have transformed back sooner or later, if you had stayed.  And perhaps even if you did not. ''

 

Lexa drank as the blonde explained, making a face at the bitter taste of the liquid. Why did medicine always taste so awful?

 

''So, you remember what happened while you were…'' She hesitated, unsure how to refer to Clarke's previous state. Should she just say panther? But it had apparently been deeper than her previous transformations…

 

''While I was lost in the panther's mind?'' Clarke completed.

 

Lexa nodded, absently noting that all of her new cuts had been wrapped in clean bandages. She had a feeling Clarke had completely exhausted the stock in her bag.

 

''Not exactly.'' The blonde confessed. ''I mean, I remember, but it's… strange.'' She rubbed the back of her neck. ''It always is. Panthers do not see, hear, smell or taste the way humans do. Her priorities  a re different too. It's just not something I can interpret correctly with a human brain. It is the same for her, she can't really understand the memories I have made as a human.''

 

Lexa hummed in understanding as she cautiously sat up, ignoring Clarke's reproachful look. She glanced at her injured shoulder. ''Do I want to know how bad it is?'' She asked.

 

She heard a huff that reminded her of the way the panther used to expel air when she settled  for sleep. ''If there is one thing I recall clearly from these last two days, it is the smell of your wound. Why didn't you go see a healer?''

 

Lexa stared at her knees. Somehow, it was a lot harder to admit that to a human, talking Clarke. ''I was afraid I would lose you if I left. Or that you would follow me and my people would attack you. ''

 

She saw Clarke roll her eyes and remembered something.

 

''Thank you. '' She said softly.

 

Clarke looked at her, surprised.

 

''You saved my life.'' She added.

 

Understanding dawned on Clarke's features. ''You're welcome.''

 

Lexa realized that,  since the beginning of their conversation, Clarke  had been constantly moving. Pacing, rummaging in the bag, caressing a  piece of red seaweed, wriggling her hands.

 

''Are you  okay?'' She asked, worried.

 

Clarke's lips twitched nervously.  ''Not really.''

 

She hesitated, needing to ask her next question, but feeling incredibly selfish as she did. ''Are you… staying?''

 

She knew Clarke would understand that she meant it in more than a physical way.

 

The blonde's shoulders slumped as she finally sat down. ''I don't know.  I feel… on edge. Like the slightest thing could push me back. It's like she is hovering just there, ready to take over again.''

 

Lexa swallowed. She wasn't sure what she had wanted to hear.

 

''Do you want her to?''

 

''I don't know.'' Clarke replied honestly.

 

She squirmed to settle more comfortably against the log, belatedly realizing that Clarke had carried her near a stream – probably to find the seaweed.

 

''You keep saying she.'' She remarked.

 

Clarke sighed. ''It's hard to explain. It's not another personality inside my head, not really. More like a different… outlook? way of thinking?'' She shook h e r head. ''It's like I explained, the panther perceives the world differently and has different priorities. But she is me as much as I am her. ''

 

Lexa nodded, even though she was unsure she had understood this part.

 

''Clarke…'' She started, waiting for the young woman to look at her. ''I am sorry. I swear to you, I never planned to abandon you. I intended to come back as soon as my people were safe. I…''

 

The blonde shook her head violently. ''Lexa… Not now.  _Please_ . Not now. I don't want to think about it.''

 

She noticed that Clarke's whole body was trembling, her eyes pressed shut, her breathing too  fast . She was fighting internally. Whether it was against her demons or the urge to transform back into a panther, Lexa did not know.

 

She relented  in the same soft voice she had used with the panther . ''Okay. Later.''

 

Clarke calmed slowly and glanced at her. ''You should rest. I will keep watch. As soon as you are capable of walking again, I will take you to TonDC.''


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

C larke waited until Lexa had fallen back asleep before she rose and rummaged through the bag again. She already knew perfectly what was inside  of it – a piece of cloth too small to use as a bandage, a canteen filled with water, pieces of meat carefully wrapped and more of the red seaweed she had collected earlier. But she needed to keep her mind occupied.

 

Otherwise, dark thoughts would invade her mind again and she was not certain she would have the strength to resist.

 

When she had transformed after the Mountain, she had not intended to lose herself so completely within her panther.  The transformation had been conscious, and the freedom the mind of the panther had offered her had been exhilarating. She knew her human mind had taken control a few times over the first couple of weeks – though she was unsure it had ever been to the point of changing back to her human body – and the pain had always been too much. Why deal with it when she could be free of it? Her people were safe from the Mountain, the grounders had not attacked.

 

Her duty was done.  There had been no reason for Clarke to remain and suffer.

 

She had vague recollections of crossing path s with her mother and defending her, or of following Octavia and Lincoln when they first returned to TonDC.

 

She rubbed her eyes. Remembering the panther's memories was starting to give her a headache.  She wasn't even sure of how much time had passed since… since she left Camp Jaha.  Weeks? Months?

 

She glanced at the sleeping brunette. She did not look much older. At least it had not been years.

 

She wondered why the Commander had gone after her on her own. She doubted her generals would have agreed,  and she couldn't have expected Clarke to welcome her either.

 

She was in fact surprised by her lack of anger toward Lexa. She knew part of the reason her panther had attacked the first night was the anger she had felt at Lexa's abandoning her. But since then she had calmed, and somehow the new trust had been passed on to Clarke.  Or perhaps it was simply that Clarke had never truly resented Lexa.

 

She shook her head, feeling her thoughts turn to the one thing she did not want to think about. She busied herself with examining Lexa, checking that the bandages were still clean and preparing another infusion with the seaweed.

 

She had been worried when the brunette first lost consciousness, but a quick examination had revealed that it was fever and exhaustion, rather than blood loss, that had caused the faint. N o t that the fever had not been worrying, but once she had properly cleaned the wound and administered the seaweed, it had broken. The wound still needed to be stitched shut and carefully monitored  for a few days, in case it got infected again.

 

Still feeling restless, Clarke took the canteen and drank before going to the stream to fill it again. They would need to move soon. The fire she had made to prepare the healing tea could draw attention if other warriors were near.

 

*******

 

Lexa awoke to the feeling of someone shaking her. She opened her eyes to see Clarke looking at her apologetically.

 

''We should find a better place for the night.'' She said while presenting her with another cup of bitter tea.

 

Lexa suppressed a grimace at the idea of drinking Clarke's tea again. She knew she had no right to complain since she had been the one to let a wound fester. It did not stop her from wishing she would one day be handed medicine that actually tasted good.

 

She was a little wary, as well. Clarke had been constantly agitated but displayed no anger. She was not sure if it was because she felt none, or if it was because she refused to acknowledge what had happened at the Mountain. She feared the moment Clarke 's mind woul d force  her to face those demons.

 

After swallowing the liquid, she moved her limbs experimentally. It was painful, but she was confident she could walk on her own. And, considering the odds she had been facing, she was lucky.

 

She studied the area where they were, trying to orient herself. She had spent long days in the forest around TonDC while training with Anya.  She knew of places one would not see at first glance.

 

She turned toward Clarke.

 

''There is a cave a little further south,  close to the river. We will have to climb a little to reach it, but no one will be able to surprise us there.''

 

She saw Clarke glance meaningfully at her left shoulder. ''I don't think climbing is what you should be thinking about right now.''

 

She shrugged. ''It is not that high or hard. I can manage with one arm.''

 

She ignored the dubious face of her companion and led the way.

 

It took them almost an hour to reach the cave, and Clarke immediately sauntered onto the rocks with ease. Lexa froze an instant at the feline grace that the blonde displayed, almost expecting to see a panther at the top of the small climb. She watched as Clarke shook her head and put the bag down with trembling hands  before extending a hand to her.

 

Slowly, she started her own ascent, mindful of her wounds and limited strength. Clarke grabbed her uninjured arm as soon as she was close enough and helped her cover the last couple of feet.  She took in Clarke's obvious nervousness and the old remains of a boar and two deers.

 

''You have been here before.''  She observed.

 

The blonde nodded jerkily. ''Seems so.''

 

''We can find somewhere else if you want to.'' She offered.

 

''I don't mind sleeping here. I was just surprised by the memories the place brought up.'' Clarke rubbed the back of her neck.  ''It is not good or bad. Just… different.''

 

Lexa settled against the wall. ''May I ask you a few questions?''

 

Clarke nodded as she slumped against the opposite wall.

 

''You could already transform before we met, right?''

 

The blonde smiled briefly. ''Yeah.'' She frowned. ''How did you figure out that I was a panther though?''

 

Before Lexa could answer her question, Clarke leaned toward her excitedly. ''Are there other s ? Amongst your people, I mean? People who can transform into animals?''

 

She shook her head. ''Not that I am aware of. Though, given how secretive you were about it, there might be some who hid e this ability.'' She added after some consideration.

 

Abby had said it was something that came from Clarke's ancestors, so it was not impossible.  She wondered if one of the more discreet clans could have hidden this from  _Heda_ .

 

Clarke looked slightly disappointed. ''Oh. How did you know it was me, then?''

 

''Your mother made strange comments about seeing you. But it was your unusual behavior and your eyes that gave it away.''

 

The blonde seemed surprised. ''My eyes?''

 

''They are blue. I have never met a panther with this eye-color.''

 

''They are?''

 

''You did not know?'' Lexa asked.

 

Clarke kicked at a small rock. ''Colors are different as a panther. And she doesn't really care about what color her eyes are.'' She paused. ''The panther that taught me had yellow eyes, so I kind of assume d mine were yellow too.''

 

Lexa was unsure she had heard her correctly. ''What do you mean, the panther that taught you? ''

 

The blonde flushed and looked away. ''Sorry. I sound crazy.''

 

Lexa sighed softly. ''I know you can transform Clarke. I saw it – well not the actual transformation, but enough. I will not question what you say just because it sounds strange.''

 

She paused. ''Your mother explained a few things to me already. That it was something from your father's family, and usually happened around your age. And something about a Call.''

 

She waited for Clarke to reply.

 

The young woman shook her head. ''Younger, actually, if my father's stories were correct. I was not sure what the Call was until I lived it. To be honest, I had stopped believing in this story several years ago. I  was  always told not to resist the Call, but I was so shocked I don't think I could have resisted  it  even if I wanted to.''

 

She let out a small laugh and continued. ''A panther came to me, a few days after we landed. I was alone, and then I heard a voice.  I did not even realize where it was coming from at first.'' She paused pensively. ''I have not seen her since. I wonder if she was… real. Or if it was some sort of vision.''

 

They both stayed silent for a while.

 

''Ryder  must have been very confused when he kept losing you.'' Lexa eventually commented.

 

Clarke had the decency to blush. ''I did tell you I did not need a guard.'' She pointed.

 

Lexa could see the blonde was fighting to stay awake and felt a little guilty for pestering her with questions when she had healed her and kept watch almost all day. She took out her dagger.

 

''Sleep, Clarke. I will  take first watch.''


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should post the last two chapters tomorrow. Enjoy!

Sleep eluded Clarke.

 

She tossed and turned for what felt like hours, trying to both relax and not think about the Mountain. When exhaustion eventually won, nightmares of charred skin and pained screams filled her mind and she woke up breathing heavily.

 

After the second time, she heard Lexa shift hesitantly behind her.

 

''Your panther slept more easily. Perhaps you should transform for the night.'' She suggested.

 

Clarke turned and twisted until she faced the other young woman,  shaking her head.

 

''If I do that,  I don't think I will be able to transform again in the morning.  And you will need help to reach TonDC.'' She objected.

 

The Commander looked vaguely insulted at the idea of needing help, but did not comment on it, preferring to focus on the first part of her reply.

 

''You are back, now. And you could transform whenever you wanted before.  Why not now? You said you would have come back eventually anyway.''  Lexa asked genuinely.

 

Clarke sighed, searching for the best way to explain this.

 

''Do you have people who have the habit of drinking more alcohol than they should?'' She asked.

 

Lexa nodded with a disapproving frown. '' _Sha_ .''

 

''And have you ever seen one who tried to stop drinking so much?''

 

''When a warrior abuses the drink, all vendors from his clan know not to sell anymore to him.  I have seen a few men adjusting to this abrupt stop in their habit. It is not  an agreeable sight.''

 

Clarke nodded. '' Alcohol i s a drug. Similar to what made Lincoln in to a Reaper, though not as strong and destructive. It is addictive.''

 

She paused. ''Being a panther, right now, is like that for me. Even… before… I would transform whenever I wanted to unwind: when the others from the dropship became irritating, when the talks with your generals were going in circles, when I was frustrated by the lack of action or news.  As a panther, even when I was fully in control, these things lose their weight. It's… exhilarating. Freeing.''

 

She caught Lexa's gaze. ''So, if I transformed now, I would probably sleep, yes. And I might even remain in control. But for how long? How many nights will it take for me to fully give in to the panther again?''

 

She felt tears prickling at her eyes and blinked  them away furiously.  ''I am not strong enough for that, Lexa.  I need to find some balance before I transform again. My panther is always there, but it's a lot harder to resist it when I see, hear and smell the world the way she does.''

 

Lexa stared at her for a while before nodding. ''Is there any way I can help you, then? You still need rest.''

 

Clarke had no idea how. As a training doctor, she had learned some psychology. She knew dreams were a way for your mind to sort through everything that happened, and that her nightmares would not go away easily.  She knew, rationally, that avoiding all thoughts of Mount Weather was not a long term solution. Unless she decided to become panther, and completely abandon her human self.

 

And she did not want that. She owed it to her friends, to her mother, to her people, to at least try. She owed it to Bellamy who helped her pull the lever, and to Monty who made it possible.

 

She was not sure where Lexa fit in all this.  Her panther, though first influenced by her anger at the Commander, had grown fond of the girl.  The worry about the festering wound and then the attack had consumed any anger she might have had left.

 

And now that she had experienced what it was like not to be angry at Lexa, she did not really want to go back to her rage.

 

Yet, she felt like she  _should_ be angry. Even perhaps hate her. Lexa had briefly claimed that she had not planned to abandon Clarke, but no matter how placating the words were, the fact remained that she had.  And she had yet to truly hear her explanation, since she had begged her to stop earlier.

 

So instead, she tried to find other reasons not to hate the young woman.

 

''How long have I been… gone? I can't really tell.'' She asked.

 

********

 

Lexa was surprised by Clarke's question.  From what the blonde had said earlier, she  knew the young woman had  only fuzzy memories of the time she had spent as a panther. She had not realized how imprecise those were.

 

''Almost four months. '' She answered quietly.

 

She wondered how it felt to her, to have so much time pass without her realizing it. If she was  relieved that it was only a few months, or sad to have been absent for so long. She did not know if Clarke had planned to leave Arkadia – Camp Jaha, then – forever, or if she had just gone for a freeing run only to have the panther overwhelm her.

 

Clarke simply nodded at her reply, silent as she mused on the new piece of information.

 

''Our people are not at war.'' She observed after a few quiet minutes.

 

Lexa felt mildly offended by the confusion in the girl's voice.  Though, given what she had been through since coming to the ground, it was perhaps understandable.

 

''Things were tense for a while, but neither _Trikru_ nor _Skaikru_ wished to fight.  A few of our people formed tentative friendships while we were preparing side by side.'' She related.

 

''Indra approached your mother through Octavia, and negotiated an unlimited truth between  _Trikru_ and  _Skaikru_ . She officially gave your people the lands they were on in exchange of curing the Reapers she brought to your people's camp. ''

 

She stretched her legs, wincing as she pulled on one of her smaller wound s . ''Between that and your victory against the Mountain, I had enough to open negotiations with the rest of the Coalition.  Some clans are still reluctant and wary, but there are now enough trade agreements with  o thers to prevent them from attacking recklessly.''

 

She paused. Clarke had shut her eyes at the mention of the Mountain, but seemed to drink in the information. She continued.

 

''In time, I hope to make your people part of my Coalition.'' She explained softly.

 

Clarke visibly tensed, so she  hurriedly added. ''It is the best way to protect them from the other clans. You would retain sovereignty on your own lands, and now that the Mountain is gone, there should be little cause for me to call on your warriors.''

 

''And my mother agreed to that?'' Clarke asked dubiously.

 

Lexa smiled. ''I sensed that now was not the best moment to broach the subject with her.''

 

The blonde chuckled.

 

''Besides, my people consider that you are the leader of  _Skaikru_ , even if you have been absent these last months. Entry in the Coalition can only be negotiated  with you. ''

 

Clarke shook her head. ''I am not the leader of  _Skaikru_ . I never was.  I led before because I knew more than Kane or my mom about grounders and the Mountain, and because I was the one to obtain the alliance with you.''  She paused and clutched the fur in her hands. ''The Mountain is gone, my friends are free, and you could argue that all of  _Skaikru_ have spent more time on the ground than I have.  Four months more.''

 

''Age is not what makes a good leader, Clarke.  And what your people have learned in these few months is not as much as you seem to think.''

 

''I don't want to be their leader.''

 

''It is not only your choice. You may not have to keep this role all your life, but right now you are the leader your people need.'' Lexa insisted.

 

''Is that why you are here?'' Clarke asked harshly.

 

But Lexa had expected that.  Personal and political matters had always been intertwined between them, as much as Lexa had tried to resist it.

 

''It is part of why I tried to find you.'' She admitted.

 

That much was true. It was also the argument she had always presented to Titus and her generals. Though she was unsure how gullible they had been,  especially Indra. On a more personal level, she had been almost happy that the lack of success of her scouts had given her an appropriate excuse to go and find Clarke herself. It was perhaps not what would be expected of the Commander, but felt like the right course of action between Lexa and Clarke.

 

''What is the other reason?''

 

She glanced at Clarke.

 

''You know what it is.''

 

Eyebrows rose  challengingly. ''Do I?''

 

Lexa squared her shoulders to hide the uncertainty rising inside her. ''I understand that my actions may have led you to believe otherwise. But I meant what I said when I claimed that this was a decision made with my head and not my heart. ''

 

She looked away, unsure of what Clarke's reaction would be to that declaration and of how she could handle rejection at this point.

 

''You should sleep. I will wake you when it is your turn to keep watch.'' She concluded.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done.

Clarke shook Lexa awake once the sun was high enough for them to walk through the forest. She helped the brunette down the rocks and onto solid ground before following her with a smooth jump.  Even as a human, the instinct s of her panther helped her move stealthily.

 

She was not sure how the animal she could transform into was determined. She had had time, when the Hundred landed and she first discovered the ability, to wonder why she transformed in to a panther. She had tried, out of curiosity, to shift into something else, but had never managed it. From what she remembered of her father's stories, young teenager s sometimes transformed in different animals, but always quickly settled on one. As a child, she had simply thought that they choose their favorite  one.

 

Now, however, she was not so sure. She had not really had a choice in what animal she would transform into, and the change was much deeper than even her wildest imaginings as a child.  Given how difficult it was to find a balance between her human and panther selves – even before the Mountain –  she understood why it was seemingly impossible to have more than one animal.

 

So why was she a panther, of all things?  Was it because it was the first animal of roughly the same weight that she had encountered?  Was it because it was the animal she had needed when stranded in a forest with no basic skills with the other delinquents? Was it genetically determined, and all of her ancestors shared the same animal?

 

She doubted the last theory, but only because her father had hinted in his stories at some animals. Apparently, a distant ancestor had been able to transform in to an eagle. Then again, these were just stories. Obviously based in more truth than she had thought, but after a hundred years in space, where the teller did not believe in them but mostly strove to entertain a child… How could she distinguish truth from invention?

 

She had pondered, for a while, whether it was that the panther was the animal that suited her best.  It seemed to be a recurring interpretation in fantasy or sci-fi stories, and since she had no other materials to study this ability, why not use th at ? Unfortunately, she had absolutely no way of knowing whether or not another animal would have fit better. Moreover, the panther was so different from a human that she was unsure the idea was relevant at all.

 

The most frustrating was that, before the nuclear apocalypse, the answers to all her questions were probably known.  There had been several families with the same ability, and thousands of years of experience. She was back to step one, with only the vague knowledge that it was a family thing. There might be others, but if even the Commander knew nothing about them, then they were  hiding pretty well .

 

Lexa indicated the way to TonDC. Though Clarke was confident she could have found the village, her panther had not exactly been interested in mapping the area or cataloging the fastest roads from one place to another, so it was probably safer to rely on Lexa's knowledge.

 

The tea she had made from the seaweed seemed potent enough, the brunette's fever had not returned and Clarke had found no signs of infection when she had quickly inspected the wound before their departure.  The shoulder and a couple of other cuts still needed stitching to heal properly. Clarke had had to cut  away  infected skin the previous day, and the paste made with the seaweed could only do so much.

 

She walked side by side with Lexa, glancing at her companion from time to time to ensure that she did not need help. She was certain the Commander would rather pass out  than admit weakness, regardless of  how justified it was by the amount of blood she had lost or the fever that had burned all her energy.

 

Belatedly, Clarke realized that she had yet to ask Lexa who had attacked her just before she finally transformed back into human.

 

''Any risk of you being attacked again?'' She asked.

 

Lexa turned to her with an ironic smile. ''Today or in general?''

 

Clarke rolled her eyes. ''Let's start with today. ''

 

The Commander shook her head. ''Probably not.  These men were warriors from  _Azgeda_ who had no right to wander in  _Trikru_ lands.  They attacked because they caught me at an unfortunate moment and hoped to silence me – and please their queen.''

 

Clarke filed away this new mention of  _Azgeda_ . Lexa and a few other grounders had talked about the Ice Nation before, but she did not know much about it.

 

''Why were they here, then?''

 

''There are three possibilities. One, Nia might be planning an attack against  _Trikru_ or  _Skaikru_ . Now that there are trade agreements, I believe this is unlikely. Many clans would turn against her, and she would not have enough warriors to fight them all. Two, they were sent in an attempt to scavenge the Mountain.''

 

She turned to fix her gaze on Clarke. ''Three, they were looking for you.''

 

Clarke was surprised. ''Me?''

 

''Your actions have earned a lot of respect from my people. The Mountain had terrorized many for decades. Some admire you. Others wish to obtain your power.''

 

She frowned. She doubted her ability to transform in a panther was widely known. ''What power?''

 

Lexa looked at her with unexpected compassion. ''People call you Wanheda. Commander of Death.'' She explained softly.

 

Clarke looked away.  It was not a title she had ever wanted to earn.

 

''Why can't  _Azgeda_ scavenge the Mountain?'' She deflected.

 

''It is your conquest.  It is for you to decide what becomes of it and whatever it contains. I know some of your people have been inside to retrieve some _tek_ . No one has protested this because you are their leader. But since there was never a formal interdiction for the other clans, many have petitioned to explore it as well.''

 

''I would have thought your people would want to remain as far away from it as possible.'' She remarked.

 

Lexa nodded. ''Most do.  And I advised your people not to appear too eager to obtain the items from the Mountain.  But  _Azgeda_ and a couple of other clans are curious of the kind of weapons they could find in there. I fear some clans might try to use guns now that the threat of the Mountain is gone. And the tales of how your friend Raven made the dam and the door explode are now wide-spread.''

 

Clarke grimaced. She had no wish to be faced with an army of trigger-happy warriors from the north, equipped with grenades or whatever  else  they could find inside Mount Weather.  ''What can I do to stop that?''

 

''Announce that only you and your clan may take things from the Mountain, by right of conquest. I would also advise you to offer some things to the clans that suffered because of it, or  they might resent your people  for depriving them of compensation . Personally, I would prefer if none of these gifts include weapons or anything military related.''

 

Clarke felt her brow furrow in mild surprise. ''Not even to _Trikru_ ?'' She prodded.

 

Lexa looked at her grimly. ''I am  _Heda_ . I was born  _Trikru_ , but my successor will probably not be of this same clan.  And I cannot favor one clan because of personal attachments.''

 

Clarke wondered if the last part was also meant as a warning for her. That, like the kiss they had shared, Lexa's confession from last night  c ould never be more important than her people to the Commander. And Clarke had no doubt that, if faced with another choice like the one at the Mountain, she would choose with her head again  and protect her people.

 

_ Heda _ would always protect the Coalition.

 

She hesitated, unsure she was ready for the discussion her next question might spark.

 

''Is that why you want  _Skaikru_ to join your Coalition?''  She finally said.  _Am I?_

 

'' _Sha_. It would be easier if _Skaikru_ was on the same page as the other clans.''

 

Clarke was certain that Lexa was not only speaking of political problems.

 

They walked silently for an hour before the brunette spoke up.

 

''Will you return to your people after we reach TonDC?''

 

Clarke shook her head. ''Not yet. I need more time before I can go back, human time. And…''

 

She hesitated. So far, Lexa had accepted everything to do with her panther surprisingly easily. She was not sure if it was because of her people's belief in reincarnation or much closer link with nature than the Old World or the Ark, or if it was simply Lexa. But she still half expected that eventually the next mention of it would be the information that spooked the other young woman.

 

And she was not sure she wanted to reflect on why she found the idea of Lexa rejecting her so terrifying.

 

''Since coming to the ground, the Ark, Camp Jaha has felt… oppressive. Like a cage. I hate it. I could not stand to stay inside for more than a few hours.''

 

Lexa simply nodded in acknowledgment. ''What will you do then?''

 

''I don't know.'' She confessed.

 

Lexa grabbed her arm to stop her and look her in the eyes.

 

''Will you come with me to Polis?''

 

''… Okay.''


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue. Thanks to all of you who supported this story!

Lexa relished the feeling of the wind against her face as her horse galloped out of Polis to the forest.

 

It had been ten months since she found Clarke in the forest. Four since _Skaikru_ officially became the Thirteenth Clan of her Coalition. Three since Clarke's first visit to her friends in Arkadia before returning to Polis.

 

Covered in black fur.

 

Lexa had had a brief instant of panic when she entered her personal rooms to find a black panther slumped on her bed. She had recognized the smaller frame of Clarke's panther immediately, but feared the visit to Arkadia had not gone well and triggered the transformation again. Clarke's nightmares had mostly stopped weeks ago, but the blonde had yet to transform and Lexa had never dared to ask her why.

 

Then a grinning Clarke had replaced the panther, teasing Lexa about the lack of security of the Tower. Apparently, the increased hearing of the panther had allowed her to find the less guarded corridors and the rumbles were easy to climb. Lexa had refused to believe that her warriors were so incompetent, and the blonde had grudgingly admitted to using her human form to reach _Heda's_ room.

 

And by then, Clarke's presence in Lexa's room no longer surprised anyone.

 

It had been difficult, at first, to have Clarke living inside the Tower. Representatives of the clans all had something to say about _Wanheda's_ fate and disappearance. And Clarke had no wish to advertize her ability. Then the matter of the Mountain had angered _Azgeda_ and two other clans. Nia had issued a challenge to Lexa, eliciting a deep growl from Clarke.

 

Lexa was quite certain they had all started to believe the legend of _Wanheda_ after hearing that growl, and seeing the snarl on her face. The Commander was certain Clarke's canines had been longer and sharper than usual.

 

The challenge had been accepted, and Lexa had defeated Roan then killed Nia after Clarke's discovery of the Nightblood Ontari. She hoped _Azgeda's_ new king would correct the education of this new candidate for the Flame, and had upped Aden's training. The boy was promising, strong and kind. Deserving of the Commander's Spirit.

 

The victory in the challenge had also provided her the perfect opportunity to announce her invitation of _Skaikru_ in the Coalition.

 

A squeeze around her waist pulled her from her thoughts.

 

''Your warriors must be wondering why you insist on weighing down this poor horse instead of giving me one.'' Clarke breathed against her neck.

 

She smiled. ''It is not as if I will have him carry both of us all day. And I am sure the warriors know how agreeable it is to have your lover pressed against your back.''

 

Clarke agreed with a small laugh.

 

Clarke's first months in Polis had also been difficult on a more personal level. Though she no longer felt angry, she had not forgiven Lexa either. Moreover, this evolution of feelings had happened while she had been a panther and she often struggled to reconcile herself with those feelings. Lexa could remember more than one instance when Clarke had almost screamed at her, not because of what she had done at the Mountain – though it had certainly come up a few times as well – but because she had earned the panther's affection. Clarke had felt deprived of her legitimate anger.

 

Then had come more problems. Because if she wasn't angry, how could she forgive? The blonde had felt both unable to be angry, and unable to appreciate Lexa. It had been Lexa's constant effort to strengthen the trade agreements between Skaikru and other clans, preparing their entry in the Coalition, as well as sharing the story of how she had formed the Coalition in the first place, that had finally given Clarke's mind enough reasons to appreciate Lexa and accept her lack of anger.

 

Once she had, their relationship had resumed as the friendship and mutual understanding they had had before the Mountain. Lexa had first hoped that the panther's desire to remain close to her had been a hint of deeper feelings from Clarke. But as the weeks passed and the blonde said nothing, she had resigned herself that, even if Clarke understood her betrayal and somewhat forgave her, the trust between them had been too damaged. And the friendship was already more than she could have hoped for a few months ago.

 

It was the worry Clarke had felt during her fight against Roan that had prompted the blonde to kiss Lexa. She had explained, afterward, that she had before been unsure of her own feelings. That her panther's worry and affection had been misinterpreted by her human brain. And at the time, she was still internally struggling with the panther, sometimes staying alone in her room for days after barricading the doors.

 

Lexa suspected that she had transformed more than once during those times, and that she had blocked the doors to both keep strangers out, but also to keep the panther in. Apparently, the animal did not fully comprehend how dangerous it could be for a predator to be found inside the Tower, even if all it was interested in was getting out and running to the forest. Every time, she had been terrified that Clarke would again be trapped deep in the panther's mind. Somehow, she had always come back eventually. The longest instance had last over a week. Needless to say, Clarke had been starving when she finally emerged from the room.

 

Soon, they reached the cover of the trees and Lexa slowed her horse. Clarke leaned to share a kiss with her before jumping down.

 

The panther landed smoothly and turned to look at Lexa with a loud purr.

 

Since Clarke had finally found a balance between herself and her panther, they had made a habit of going for a hunt together in the forest at least once a week. Though Clarke tolerated Polis much better than the metal walls and enclosed space of Arkadia, the panther inside of her still hated anything that resembled a cage. Also, both of them appreciated those stolen moments of freedom.

 

One day, they knew, Clarke's secret would be discovered. Or they would choose to reveal it. There were always scouts in the forest – though Lexa carefully chose the places of these hunts to minimize the risks – and Clarke was a better fighter on four legs than on two. They had already been attacked twice during those escapades, and it was only the absence of survivor that had guaranteed the secret so far.

 

Therefore, they enjoyed those moments when a riding Lexa would race a panther Clarke, or when the blue-eyed panther would proudly deliver a rabbit to the green-eyed brunette. Sometimes, they even stayed in the forest overnight, and Lexa would fall asleep to the sound of soft purring, her face burrowed in thick black fur.

 

This particular day was important for them, because they knew they might not be able to enjoy another hunt for a couple of weeks. Polis was extremely busy, representatives of the clans were arriving from all over the Coalition, and many _Skaikru_ would come to the capitol for the first time soon.

 

It was a sacrifice they both made happily, however, eager to finally celebrate their bonding ceremony.


End file.
